Monday, December 29, 2014

Welcome To the Oak Palace

"Wallpaper, well isn't that some fresh new hell."

Afternoon Readers,

I don't have any finite statistics on this, but I'm pretty sure ninety-percent of couples who decide to separate would say their problems started with removing wallpaper together. Research is pending, but I hope to have some concrete data by 2015.

But let me back up.

Kudos to those who can move and blog at the same time. Truly, I bow to you. Unfortunately, for myself, transporting our entire life from point A to point B uncovered my steadfast ability to kick boxes, turn around in circles, and weep because I can't find where I packed my trusty black tights. Oh yes, and I remembered to bring all the children, so any mothering trophies can be forwarded post haste.

Two things happened right after we moved in last week.
1. Complete chaos
2. I was struck down by some sort of mutant cold that both incapacitated and boiled my parenting skills down to letting all children use me as a park bench for three days straight.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

A Last Minute Giveaway!

"Sure, Marlene, this house is drowning in flowered wallpaper, but did you see the Big Book of Parenting Tweets in the bathroom? These Kellermans are a class act."

Morning Readers,

While I run around throwing things into boxes and trying to remember to bring all of the kids with us to the new house, taking a timeout seems especially important.

(It's starting to dawn on me why people only do this once every thirty years, if they can help it. My friendly neighborhood advice is to never move ever. Unless you live next to a sewage plant. Then, consider it, but don't make any hasty decisions.)

What better way to take a breather than to give away free stuff right before the holidays. So, before I run back to buckling the cat in the car and putting the kids in their kennels, take a look at this sweet but blink-and-you-miss-it giveaway...

How would you like a signed paperback of this fabulous book? Currently ranked #2 for Hot New Releases in parenting humor on Amazon, you know you want to stick one on the coffee table, right next to the egg nog and that suspiciously huge bottle of whiskey Aunt June brought.

And another signed copy of some Cankles? Fun Fact: People love to find Cankles under their tree. True story.

Even better? Makeup. That's right, free makeup.
A few days ago, the wonderful Jo at Just Pure Minerals sent me a gift because she loves this here blog. After that, I pretty much consider her a saint, but it gets even better... her product is AMAZING. I might not wear makeup every day, but I'm a lipstick junkie.

She makes vegan lipstick.

It smells delicious.

And she want's to give one, lucky Reader a twenty-five dollar credit to her store for fantastic lip things of your choice. I mentioned that I love her, right?

If you want to see me sporting some of this fab lipstick, here's a clip of me throwing my hands around wildly while I talk about the new book.

Ok, I know y'all know your way around the old Rafflecopter, so I'll leave you to it. In the meantime, I've got to figure out how to shove a mixer, three hundred towels, and a TV into a cardboard box.

a Rafflecopter giveaway
Like what you read here? Buy the book!
And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on:

Monday, December 8, 2014

Saying Goodbye To The Split Level

Farewell, old girl.You bent us, but you didn't break us. In fact, you were all right.

Morning Readers,


I was all excited to tell you guys that's where I've been, but then I found out that, to go on sabbatical, you have to be a college teacher who needs a break every seven years, so that wasn't even remotely correctly correct.

*High fives the internet*

So it's been more like a hiatus. But you know what? The Kellermans are coming to a neighborhood near you. Or near someone. Possibly one of you guys. Apologies in advance. That's right, we found a house.

House hunting, as it turns out, is a time-consuming business, full of  weirdly laminated surfaces and questionable flooring choices. Sometimes loose dogs. But it's also full of new possibilities and trying to envision yourself sleeping in another bedroom someone else has been sleeping in for the last twenty-nine years. Ok, that part's also awkward. The silver lining is, of course, finding a few of the token things you're looking for in a space, and delighting in finally having your own closet. And a wet bar in the living room.

Readers, the adventures in this new house are going to be amazing. And retro. And does anyone know the quickest way to take down flowered wall paper?

No matter. The new house, you're gonna love it. But seriously, any ideas on re-purposing a wet bar into something functional, like not a wet bar are welcome. More on that later.

In the meantime, let's take a moment to say goodbye to the Split level.

Four years of blog documentation.
Six years of living
387 renovations
One woman who miraculously still has her sanity sort of

(Please note: All pictures were staged so we could hide the fact this house was a big box full of crazy people 24/7, and sell it before the next ice age.)

Not pictured: Person hanging artwork we don't own, precisely one ton of toys, and cat usually hanging off the window like a limp mink throw. When not blogging, I was painting that trim for eight hundred years. 

Where you guys and I hang out. Not pictured: Table as big as small airplane hanger we removed to make people think they could walk to the back door without having to do hurdles. It worked. (It's sweet you thought I blogged from an office of sorts, but I did watch squirrels regularly from here, so basically the same thing.)    
Proof that I have two children. Or that I keep small beds in my house. Not pictured: Children who've turned this space into a genuine reproduction of the storming of the beaches of Normandy
Proof I have a third child. Or an affinity for felt baskets. Not pictured: Baby who thinks he's a Ninja Turtle kicking me in the face. Also, two tons of toys. Fun Fact: Closet has curtains do to the fact shifting homes don't always let you put the doors back on. Financial devastation, turn it into a fun floral activity!
All I'm going to say is there isn't a whole lot gallons and gallons of white pint can't cure. Oh, and yes, that is a picture of a bathtub next to my bathtub. Interior decorating is one of those hobbies no one hires me for because it would be terrifying.
Not pictured: HUGE pile of laundry living next to the vent. Fancy retro makeup table I never used for makeup and more for leaving shreds of my dreams and puddles of shampoo on. 
We did a lot of living in this room. See what I did there? Not pictured: Herds of children fighting more than the cast of Gladiator. Three tons of toys. Me yelling.
Did I never tell you about the weird toilet in the basement? Pictured: Me not using this bathroom ever.
Backyard where we killed two snakes. By, backyard where we killed two snakes. Not pictured: Me running away in horror.
Deck where we did all our entertaining. Obviously. Take a load off. Margarita? Beer? Paint by numbers?
See ya later, Split level. A house well blogged.
Not pictured:

Replaced foundation
New sewer line
New plumbing
New electrical
New outlets
New light fixtures
One cat hanging on the outside of the window

This week is moving week. Can we get everything across town? Will I set up the utilities the same day we move in? Again, still taking wet bar ideas.

I don't know.

What I do know, is you better pack your things and come with. Because it's gonna be great.

Until Next Times, Readers!

Like what you read here? Buy the book!
And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on: