Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Ten Reasons You Know It's Time To See Your Hair Stylist

"When I use my crazy face, people don't realize I'm completely bald in the back."

Afternoon Readers,

Last night, I realized I haven't been in the hair salon for a year. Quickly, I calculated...

"If January comes after November, and this is a leap year, tabulating the square root of the Fourth of July on a Sunday and the Spring Equinox eclipsing the Event Horizon, then that means-"

*Takes off glasses dramatically*

"Sweet Hanna Andersson in a plaid raincoat."

On one hand, the implications of this particular fact threatened to crush me with the harsh reality I've become a shut-in.

On the other, I saw a picture of an alpaca the other day and couldn't, for the life of me, figure out who it reminded me of. Mystery solved. This Columbo of the stay-at-home-mom set shall sleep a sweet, unhindered sleep.

But how could a year have gone by? True, forgetting to call your gynecologist for a year is easy to do, but the Keeper of the Locks? I should've seen the signs.

Ten Reasons You Know It's Time To See Your Hair Stylist

1.) There's paint in your hair from re-doing the cabinets in 2013.

2.) Small children point and say, "Why does Rapunzal look sick?," and then climb your hair with suckers in their hands.

3.) You're 75% sure there's a small animal living under your schoolmarm bun. And when when that squirrel pops out, you're gonna give him a piece of your mind. (Not to mention, the whole situation means he's been piggy-backing off your John Frieda Sheer Blonde Crystal Clear hairspray. That stuff is expensive. All the cards need to be out on the table. Also, why would a squirrel need extra hold?)

4.) Top search term in your Google history? "People who think Chewbacca is the most beautiful of all fictional characters in movies, TV, fan fiction, and screen print tees."

Maybe she's born with it...



5.) You have a Pinterest board called "Long hair don't care. Or maybe it cares a little bit and I cry myself to sleep at night. Wait, did I make this board public? Sorry for how uncomfortable you feel right now."

(This board is sandwiched between one called "Inspirational thoughts about self-loathing" and "Cookies!")

6.) You're not sure where your split-ends start and the feral cat you picked up off the street begin.

7.) Butt crack hair that should have its own special on National Geographic

8.) Everyone asks you if you got your hair cut. But they do it ironically while handing you the business card of their stylist or gardener.

9.) All the email in your inbox begins, "Dear Mr. Don King."

10.) You can't read this blog through your hair. Go get it cut. I'll get mine cut too. And then we'll laugh and laugh about how you thought the blog would be funny once you could see the screen, but it's not as funny as you anticipated. Go call, I'll wait here.

Until Next Time, Readers!



Monday, April 28, 2014

Monday Briefing and A Caption Contest Winner

Dr. Zaius's youngest son, aka the Disappointment.

Afternoon Readers,

We're all business today. Or kind of business. Then again, I almost named this post "Monday Debriefing," until I looked up what debriefing actually is, and, as it turns out, that word does not mean anywhere close to what I thought it meant, so don't listen to me and keep living your lives.

First, I'd like to call today's meeting to order and get everyone up to speed on the snake situation.

Husband: Did you pick up the snake today?

Me: Nope.

Husband:...

Me:...

I'll let you guys draw your own conclusions, but let's just say the "I haven't picked up a snake in 2014" bumper sticker I just ordered is going to look fantastic on the horrifically cracked bumper of the van.

Moving on.

This weekend was the twins' last Sunday school class before summer starts. The closing ceremonies were very cute, but, due to Doc punching me in the face, I had to make an exit right at the end and hide in the bathroom. Upon returning...

Teacher: You should've seen what Sundance did right at the end.

Me: What was that?

Teacher: She asked the man with the guitar to play "This Little Light of Mine" and then performed it for the class and all the parents.

Me: Well, it's like I always say, if you're going to miss the formative and important moments of your child's life, make sure all the other parent's have a front row seat.


And lastly, I'd like to congratulate our April caption contest winner!

Look out, Elizabeth Catalano, you've got a banana-yellow beauty headed your way. To be clear, I'm sending you a copy of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles, and not an actual banana. Fruit ships so poorly and I really don't want to be known as the blogger who sends fruit as prizes.

Not to mention, I'd become the laughing stock of the literary community. "Harper Lee never sent edible arrangements." Yada, yada, yada.

Just send your info to paigekellerman@gmail.com and I'll get you hooked up. Thanks for playing...:)

Ok, I've got kids crawling in cabinets and cold coffee to finish.

Until Next Time, Readers!


Dr. Zaius's youngest son, aka the Disappointment.



Thursday, April 24, 2014

Good Ideas That Are Also Bad Ideas

"I don't always have a good idea, but when I do it's a bad idea."

Morning Readers,

Have you ever had one of those moments where your dog kills a snake in the backyard and you're obviously not going to be the one to throw it away, so you ask your husband to take care of it, but he says something like, "Why don't you just scoop it up with the shovel?"

And then you just sit and blog instead because does he really expect me to pick it up with a shovel?

And the subject/verb agreement of your sentences is completely wrong because you're pretty disturbed by the entire thing?

Monday, April 21, 2014

Mrs. Kellerman's Home For Candy Addicted Children

"The giant Easter bonnet is great camouflage when the kids come looking for my secret store of pastel candy corn."

Afternoon Readers,

What is it with kids wanting to walk around in their socks outside?

That question has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about today, but seriously, I just don't get the appeal. Then again, maybe there's a joy about dragging your brand new Hello Kitty feet covers through the mud I'm missing out on in my old age.

Note to self: Put on socks and walk around in the sandbox this weekend to verify whether I'm a crappy parent or not.

Second note to self: You probably don't want to know. Scrap experiment. Keep herding children blindly.

Really, the sock thing is one of the more normal things the children are attempting to do today. The twenty-four hours after Easter are fairly brutal on the blood glucose level front. I blame the Easter bunny. He or she was extremely reckless with the candy-buying, begging the question, should a plastic grocery bag every weigh more than a baby calf?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Top Ten Reasons To be Four Years Old

"I love em'. They said my hair looks like a stunned otter, but I love em'."

Morning Readers,

The climate around the Split level has been pretty busy lately. I keep fixing and painting to get the house ready to sell, and the children march dutifully behind me, taking things apart and putting hand prints in the wet paint. Hand over my heart, if we ever get this banana stand prepped for the great playing field that is the real estate market, no one will be more shocked than I.

Where's Ty Pennington when you actually need his charisma, mitering skills, and enthusiasm for perfectly touched-up highlights?

But even in the midst of the chaos that is spackling while listening to children throw glass tumblers down the stairs to see if they'll break, sparks of joy have been caught here and there.

The twins will be four next month, and along with being a little more calm and something close to rational, I've noticed there are some definite perks to being as old as and average college degree.

The Ten Best Things About Being Four Years Old

1. You can wear a tutu everywhere and every grandma within a ten mile radius will tell you how fancy you are.

(As an adult, I can only dream of wearing a tutu in the public sphere. Mainly because people would think I was drunk. And the chances are pretty good I would be.)

2. You can wear your Spider Man shoes on the wrong feet and no one says anything.

3. You can ask, within earshot, why people are fat, thin, hairy, short, have red hair, have brown hair, have no hair, or why they're buying so much cereal, and people generally look the other way.

4. You can poke people in the butt with a pirate sword and not risk a sexual harassment suit.

5. Your underwear's on backwards, and you know what? It's gonna be a great day because you put them on that way on purpose. 

6. The woman in charge is practically making it rain fruit snacks to stem the tide of your relentless question asking. Hmm, time to ask 'why' again.

7. As far as you're concerned, dandelions are flowers. You parent's backyard is full of these beauties, and why they don't pick them and put them in a decent vase is beyond you. Fine, you'll make a vase yourself. Now, where did that coffee can go?

8. Life will not get any better than pulling all the tape out of the tape measure and watching it snap back, narrowly missing cutting a hand off.

9. An entire bag of Skittles to yourself? No one said you were going to win the lottery today.

10. You can spill, break, run over, shatter, fall off of, kick, shout at, whack with a stick, fall over, and dunk everything in water you come across in a twenty-four hour time frame, and the woman in charge still loves you.

....Well, she yells, but she loves you.

Until Next Time, Readers!

Monday, April 14, 2014

My Big, Fat Mouth

"Afraid? Honey, I named my poodle Risk just so I could embrace it. Good boy, Risk."

Morning Readers,

A couple of days ago, the twins found a thirty-five count pack of envelopes in my room, opened it, and sealed every, last one. I now have zero envelopes.

Ok, now that we've gotten last week's parenting high point out of the way, let's take a look at the low, lowest, and HiddenValley parenting moment as of late.

"I'm too afraid to let the kids play with my iPad. I'm sure they'll break it."

As we stood in the lush, green grass of our cousin's yard, watching the kids step on each other to go down the slide first, I looked over and shook my head my sister-in-law. "Nah, the kids won't break it. I let the baby use ours to watch shows while I get dressed. If I don't, he stares at me or tries to burn the house down."

"You do?"

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

It's a Remergency!

"We'd love to stick around, but someone just called in a remergency."

Morning Readers,

I don't usually use exclamation points in my post titles, but as the Split level is still buzzing from recent events, I had to convey the general tizzy of the last day or so.

A remergency. For those of you who don't know, it's like an emergency, but instead of important news carried via adult, it's shouted at you by a three-year-old while you're on the toilet.

"Remergency! Remergency! We have a remergency!"

I mentally slapped myself for going to the bathroom, knowing I had children.

"Remergency!"

"What is it? What's so remergent?"

Monday, April 7, 2014

And Now... Another Drawer-Full of Odds and Ends

"Who are these soapless people?"
Morning Readers,

First off, I'd just like to say the entries in this month's caption contest are killing me. In a good way.

Keep at it, folks.

The sunshine you're sprinkling in my life is invaluable. It's also valuable. Additionally, it means more to me than two candy bars falling out of a machine at once. And that's a lot.

You wanna know something else? As you read this, I'm somewhere else besides the blog. That's right, while it seems my voice is stationary and in your head, I'm also being broadcast to the greater KC Metro area, on Kansas City Live. If the implication of me being fed to the public in that many mediums is disturbing, I agree.

Let's form a circle and be unnerved together. I'll bring the chips.

But I say, why hurl yourself off the crazy train when you can ride that enchilada all the way to what-the-hells-she-talking-about town? So, instead of talking about something concise and mind-bending, let's check out some other strange odds and ends seen around the Split level lately....

Thursday, April 3, 2014

April Caption Contest


Morning Readers,

It's that time again.

Yes, I haven't been to the hairdresser for almost a year, so it's that time again too.

But we're not here to talk about my looks-slightly-better-than-seaweed roots. Nay, it's time for this month's caption contest. And now a quick rule briefing. Because a long rule briefing isn't even a briefing. *everyone nods in unison*

What's in it for you?

Nothing. Kidding. Wait, will you take nothing? I didn't think so because you're like me. OK, every month's winner gets a free paperback copy of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles, and I'll even write out, in ink, the fact your a caption champion, on the inside.

I really wanted to give away a pony or ten thousand dollars every month, but we have a mortgage and the cars are always near death. You know how it is.


Rules:

1.) Be awesome. But since you're here, I think we can check that off the list.

2.) Comment with as many captions as you like but try to keep it PG. This does not stand for "poached goats."

3.) Captions can be dialogue, commentary, headlines or whatever made you snort when you thought about it.

4.) No ripping on other people's captions. We love each other here. Hug a friend. Don't tear apart their carefully crafted imaginary headline, etc.

Oh my gosh, rules are exhausting. That was four whole sentences. Ok, get to it. This month's winner announced on April 28th!


Until Next Time, Readers!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Four O'Clock Dinner

"The Early Bird Special deserves a special kind of dress."
Afternoon Readers,

Nothing like kicking off the start of the week here on the blog to give a fresh and hopeful outlook on the next seven days.

Oh, it's Tuesday? And it's already half over?

Sounds about right.

It's been pretty slow going here since the weekend. I got a little ahead of myself and accidentally used up any energy I needed to remember to cook and clean for the family this week. The Friend Retrieval Society met this weekend and things got a little out of control. After all, you don't schedule dinner at four o'clock on a Saturday if you're not out to throw a rager that pushes the boundaries of decency and borders on anidisestablishmenatrianism.

(No, that word has absolutely nothing to do with what we did on Saturday, but I wanted to use it at least once in my writing career.)

Here are the minutes of last week's meeting as they stand:

3/29/14

The meeting was called to order by no one in particular. All members were so disoriented by being out to dinner with no responsibilities, they laughed nervously and tried to figure out why Paige Kellerman was wearing high heels paired with a t-shirt depicting a dog in a bandana.

Approval of Minutes
The minutes from last month's meeting were neither read nor approved due to all members trying to decided whether they wanted a bottle, glass, or beer directed intravenously.

Meals

All members were allowed to choose their own entree. This presented a problem, as no one in the group was used to picking a dish they weren't required to share with a child. One woman picked chicken nuggets out of habit and was subsequently slapped.

Quotes of note: "I think I might order food, scream, and throw it on the ground, just to see how it feels."

"Would I like ranch dressing to go with my food? If someone offered you a yacht, would you spit in their face and hit them with a baseball bat? Right. Absolutely, that's a yes. Sorry, that metaphor got away from me."

"It says this feeds a family of four, not a family of six. So, no, I'm not splitting it."

Topics Covered in Conversation:

- kids
- kids not sleeping
- husbands and habits which may shorten their lives
- taking kids to the doctor
- are we still talking about the kids?
- yes
- ok, good because you'll never believed where I almost mailed mine the other day

Bathroom:

All members of the meeting were allowed to go to the bathroom alone.

Budget:

The check was split five ways. Paige Kellerman left her credit card there because she's an idiot.

Guest of Honor:

The attendee who brought cookies she'd baked and wrapped in individual bags was given a place of high status. She also won points for hilarity when she stated we could, "share them with the kids."

You know who you are, and the innocence in that statement was adorable.

Announcements:

Meeting was adjourned when it was determined that all husbands had probably finished bedtime detail. None of the members were eager to drive home, but decided stumbling home at 5am the next day would be frowned upon. Conclusion was at 7:30pm.

April's meeting is tbd.

Until Next Time, Readers!


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