Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Boxelder Conundrum and Blogging Once A Week

"Oh, hello. I'm just popping in to creep you out and look at your unmentionables."

Afternoon Readers,

I'm honored to be here today to state with what I know to be unflinching finality that, after much testing and debate, Chocolate Toast Crunch is now the best breakfast cereal on the planet. 

Don't even try to argue. The jury's in. I have the extra weight to prove it. Buy some and get on board with the movement.

*pours more cereal*

Now then, let's get down to business. What's on the table today? First off, I'd like to call this meeting to order and apologize for my absence. Not that you sit around waiting for the not-so-riveting details of my life, but the scarcity is real, people. Why?

Book makery.

Yes, it's a technical term, birthed from the process of blood, sweat, tears, and taking liberties with the English language. I won't inundate you with the mundane details of eating cookies and writing questionable stories, but Spring shall herald a new literary adventure, and I'm preeeeetty excited about it.

May 2015, be there or be... somewhere else, buying someone else's book. Completely your prerogative. I'm not pushy.

Ok, second item on today's list. Boxelders. Any of you guys have them? Please give me a resounding "Yes," because the current invasion we're experiencing is leaving me adrift in a sea of "What the name of National Geographic is this fresh, new hell?"

With furniture moved in and surfaces scrubbed, The Oak Palace is up and running. Frankly, I never thought I'd get to a point in my life where, upon dragging a fresh pile of wash cloths from the dryer, I'd be elated to run over and stuff them into a newly organized linen closet. But that's the thing about the Palace, it's inspired me to embrace being a grown up and do things like take the lint out of the dryer trap and put it directly into the trash can, instead of stuff it in my pockets.

There's just one thing...

"Why? Why are they in here? I just found one in my shirt."

I looked up from my iPad research and tried to add some levity to the situation. "That's nothing. There were two in my bra yesterday."

Husband looked down and flicked one of the black bugs off his leg before it flew back over to the fireplace. "But they just hang out here in the living room. I've never seen anything like it. There must be a million of them. Look, that one just fell in my beer."

I turned back toward the internet. "I'll add 'drinking problem' in the search box, right next to 'red marking on the back'."

It's been a problem; bugs everywhere. I've lived in Kansas my entire life and I've never seen anything like the hoards of dark, winged bugs that have invaded the living room. Searching the depths of exterminator's websites, I've managed to find out what they are and why they won't leave us alone. Bugs on the carpet. Bugs in my windows. Bugs in my underwear drawer, making me feel violated. We've spent the last two months observing their customs and, instead of coming to terms with the situation, have decided they all must die.

I put down the iPad. "Ok, so all we have to do is keep them out. They don't want our food. They don't bite. And this site with a yellow background and all red letters says the bugs don't even mate in here. They just want to crash until summer."

"I see."

I nodded. "Yes, we've just adopted about eight thousand stoner roommates who aren't leaving until June."

"You said they didn't want our food."

"Silver linings abound then. Apparently, you can't spray for them. All we can do is make sure there aren't any cracks in the house."

Husband looked sideways. "Oh, that's it? Just make sure every single opening to the house is sealed?"

"Yep. And after that, we just have to cut down the tree in the backyard."

"And there it is."

I'm almost ninety-nine percent sure I can't cut down a tree by myself, but I've looked into it and, apparently, it costs about as much as a house payment to get it removed. So where does that leave us? I'm not really sure, but I did just find another bug in my pants, so I guess I'll either start saving or searching for a discount ax on Amazon.

Should be an interesting summer.


Until Next Time, Readers!

Like what you read here? Buy some Cankles
And if quick bathroom reads are your friend, grab The Big Book of Parenting Tweets: Featuring the Most Hilarious Parents on Twitter!
And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on:

14 comments:

  1. The one upside of it being 2 degrees and snowing 7 feet is that there is not a remaining living bug in the state of Massachusetts (or at least in my little corner of it). So hurray for hellish winters!

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's 2 degrees here as well, but this summer? Holy boxelders, woman. They were EVERYWHERE outside, but luckily they never moved in. Right now they're all dead and frozen, much like my soul at this point.

    Anyway, yay book!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a pain. Can you pay the twins a nickel for every bug they capture in a jar?

    ReplyDelete
  4. THAT'S What those things are? They're in my house in Indiana too. Even when it's subzero!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ah yes, boxelders. I live in Kansas as well and we get them every single year, as soon as there's any nice weather. However, where we live, everyone calls them Democrats or Republicans, depending on your political leaning. If you're Dem, they're Rep and vice versa. They do get everywhere, but surprisingly we don't get them in our house. The irony is that we get mice and a packrat that lived in our basement ceiling for a while and was larger than my cats, but no boxelders. Critters, critters everywhere! Hopefully this cold blast is getting rid of them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ray bans sale uk online The thief asked, amazed. Haha, this ray bans sale uk online idiot, I followed the ray bans sale uk online government is mixed. Police backhand hit  That how you ray ban sunglasses sale online wearing police clothes, do you Infernal Affairs. a slap in the face of the thief, the ray bans sale uk ray ban sunglasses sale uk online thief two braved Venus, no longer afraid to speak out of turn.

    ReplyDelete