Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Young House Love, We Ain't: Or Things I Almost Did This Winter

This grainy reality captured in substandard light could be yours too, for the low price of avoiding renovations.

Afternoon Readers,

I had to start the day with green tea because Husband actually took the time to ask if I needed anything from the store last night, and I said, "Nope."

Because I'm a huge idiot.

"Oh, coffee? The lifeblood that sustains any and all hope of me being a decent person over a twenty-four hour period? I clearly saw we were out this morning and tattooed it on my arm that I needed to go buy a gallon tub, but that very important detail must've just flown out of my head when my other half generously offer TO GO GET IT FOR ME."

I've seen better days, but I'm above ground, so yada yada yada. Since we're talking about winter productivity today, you can probably see where I'm going. Being trapped inside for months on end, you'd think it would result in multiple projects being accomplished, things renovated, eight books written, and being able to spend enough time with your children, you call them by the correct name the first time.

But nay.

If you're keeping track, our bedroom undertaking was started approximately two-and-a-half months ago. In Renovation Blog World, this project would've been started on December 20th, and finished on December 24th, complete with full scale Christmas decor and someone from HGTV jumping in on voice over to remark on the clean lines and upcycled bedside table which used to be a chicken coop. In Kellerman world, this is where my thought processes resides most of the time....

"Ugh, it's been a week. Time to think about patching the walls and sanding. Or, I could eat this bag of M&Ms and go down and check on Netflix. Ok, see you later, bedroom."

Ok, technically, we took all the paper down, and patched, and sanded, and sanded again, but priming and painting? I'm sure someone at HGTV will get my emails and will send free labor soon. Do you know what it's like sanding an entire bedroom? Like you've been abandoned, your arm's going to fall off, and when the rescue party finally finds your dusty body, they'll say, "Eh, she looked about the same in life."

Don't get me wrong, we'll overcome this mammoth and paint it something soothing that stomps out the trauma, but until then, I sleep in a patchy den of patches, hoping for a day of white trim and decorative, unfunctional pillows complimenting the drapes. Drapes made from bits of my soul.

But this isn't simply a post on things I'm not getting done in the renovation world. Why visit the old blog here, unless you're going to get some bonus material? Besides gifting myself a new bedroom space, here are some other things I almost did this winter.

Ten Things I Almost Did This Winter

1. Three cheers for almost working out this season. 

2. Four cheers for almost fitting in my pants this morning.

3. I almost finished lining all the cabinets in the kitchen. 

4. I almost threw up when I realized how many meal worm and warehouse beetle carcasses the former owners left in their kitchen cabinets.

5. Let's hear it for almost cleaning out the van thoroughly. 

6. Let's also hear it for almost not eating some cookies I found under the driver's seat. 

7. I almost decided to cut all my hair off because I look like I live in the woods and eat with badgers and racoons.

8. I almost read my goal of fifty books before March.

9. I also almost dropped my Kindle in the toilet, which would've killed all three books I read this winter.

10. I almost thought I heard the first bird of spring chirping outside my kitchen window. Unfortunately, garbage disposals make odd bird noises when they're about to break down.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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