Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Nothing Like A Good Lecture

"You know what I love more than summer? Abandonment! Whee!"

Afternoon Readers,

You know what's great about summer? The refreshment, hands down.

Refreshing drinks, refreshing dips in the pool, refreshing cucumber salad you lovingly peeled and stirred while toddlers hung off your knee caps, all of it delightful.These things culminate in one, giant emotional symphony wrapped in a delicate summer's eve breeze that find you asking to yourself, "Life is truly a gift. Can it get better than this? Did I really just say "summer's eve" without laughing hysterically?"

And then you remember that, yes, it can get better because you have yet to get a nice, refreshing, summer lecture.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Unanticipated Side Effects

"Say what?"

 Afternoon Readers,

Just checking in during what looks to be our fine state's 800th rainy day this season. I'm about to build a sturdy ark, equipped with separate rooms for all the children, and go ahead and call this summer a wash. As my weight is also at a very respectable 800 pounds, it will be a very sturdy ark. Seaworthy.

Cresting week twenty-three in this fourth child journey, I'm most assuredly moving into the part of the program where clothes are no longer my friends, feet sightings are scarce, and the feeling of being a slowly stretched-out beach ball reigns supreme. Some women slip into pregnancy gracefully, shrugging each week on like a delicate, silk suit. Whereas, I tend to stumble into each, successive month like a rhinoceros wrestling itself into a corduroy jacket. That's not to say this pregnancy has been entirely hum drum. On the contrary, besides the usual side effects of being impregnated, some new, surprise bonuses popped up in the last week.

"I'm pregnant, just like you!"

Friday, July 3, 2015

The Top Ten Things I've Learned In Six Years of Marriage

On my wedding day, I learned it's almost impossible to put a garter on under eight feet of tulle.

Afternoon Readers,

I'd like to start today with a public service message. Heading into this weekend, undoubtedly, you've already been briefed about using caution with fireworks, not drinking and driving, and thinking twice about a third helping of Aunt Helen's famous Baked Bean Extravaganza, but there probably hasn't been a warning about cookies.

To the point, if you insist on opening a bargain pack of thirty off-brand Oreos, propping them on your passenger seat for the ride home, and trying to eat them in heavy traffic, the results will be disastrous. It only takes one,good slam on the breaks to avoid a Ford Windstar.

You ever see it rain cookies in a car? I have. And it's terrifying.