Friday, July 3, 2015

The Top Ten Things I've Learned In Six Years of Marriage

On my wedding day, I learned it's almost impossible to put a garter on under eight feet of tulle.

Afternoon Readers,

I'd like to start today with a public service message. Heading into this weekend, undoubtedly, you've already been briefed about using caution with fireworks, not drinking and driving, and thinking twice about a third helping of Aunt Helen's famous Baked Bean Extravaganza, but there probably hasn't been a warning about cookies.

To the point, if you insist on opening a bargain pack of thirty off-brand Oreos, propping them on your passenger seat for the ride home, and trying to eat them in heavy traffic, the results will be disastrous. It only takes one,good slam on the breaks to avoid a Ford Windstar.

You ever see it rain cookies in a car? I have. And it's terrifying.

In an attempt not to dwell on premature desert loss, let's talk about marriage. A terrible segue, I know, but today is Husband and my sixth wedding anniversary and some reflecting is in order. Cliche, but, with each year, it's an unavoidable fact that you gain a little more knowledge and wisdom about the whole thing. The only problem I'm running into is the fact we've now racked up four kids in six years, and the result is basically me not being able to remember anything that's happened since we said, "I do."

Faulty memory. It's why the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil guide the world, while I spend my time eating shredded cheese out of the bag.

The Top Ten Things I've Learned In Six Years of Marriage

10.) He's never going to remember to close the cabinet doors in the kitchen. This is ok because it will literally take an act of God for me to remember to put oil in the car before the oil light comes on.

9.) We both snore. We both deny it. No one's been smothered by a pillow yet. Hoping to keep this statistic strong for the duration of our union. Which, ironically, could end with someone getting smothered by a pillow.

8.) Watching TV while we're both distracted by our phones is not the same as watching TV while we're not on our phones. Although not necessarily engaged in conversation, there's something to be said for focusing on a singular activity together. This may be the saddest sentence ever constructed, but I'm sure there's a nugget of wisdom in there somewhere.

7.) Forgiving the little things is a must. This is frustrating because marriage is pretty much a day-to-day compilation of little things.

6.) Sometimes he won't notice you took the time to put on makeup in the attempt to shake things up on a Monday. Other times, he'll see you stumble downstairs looking like a homeless street musician and comment on how hot you are. This makes no sense. Go with it anyway.

5.) Making a U-turn back to number seven, you don't have to forgive everything right away, but try not to say things you'll regret out loud. Say those things in your head, try to remember the time the other person threw three dead mice away for you, and get on with living.

4.) Neither of you will ever know what's for dinner. Someone just puts on a better front than the other. Except when I'm pregnant. Then I know we're having biscuits and gravy with a side of Skittles.

3.) You will mutually bond over how hilarious your kids are. On the horrible days,you'll also bond over the fact neither one of you killed them before bedtime.

2.) *Insert extra supply of forgiveness here*

1.) After six years, you're still strangely fascinated and in love with each other. Which is really weird because you're well aware of bullet points ten through two. This is all it takes to plow boldly ahead into year seven.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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