Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Newborns: A Field Guide

Afternoon Readers,

Oh boy.

I haven't tapped out yet, but finding our new normal has been a little trickier than originally predicted. Maybe it was trying to publish a book right before Little Lady's arrival. Or possibly it's the frenzy of things demanding attention in preparation for holiday hoopla, but whatever the reason, things seem to be a tad out of control.

(As if I ever have anything under control. Seriously, look at the expiration dates in the refrigerator, and you'll see a woman who lives right near the edge.)

One thing is 100% certain. Three years was enough for me to forget everything I've ever learned about newborn babies. Well, not everything. The poop, that stuck. But all the little things which require lifestyle adjustments are steadily jogging my memory.

How can that be?

I don't know flippin' know. What I do know is that I totally forgot new babies sound a little like mewing kittens. It's adorable. But let's keep this emotional tour bus moving along.

For anyone else who needs a memory jog, or moms that need a little solidarity, I'm typing out a field guide I can reference over the next few weeks, instead of taking shots of whiskey out of sippy cups at 9am. Even better, let's do it in a fun Q&A format. Because I'm all about fun. It's how you end up with four kids in the first place.

Newborns: A Field Guide

Q: Will I ever sleep again?

A: No. Well, it seems that way. Babies have no idea what time it is. Which is why you'll spend your days jacked on two full pots of coffee, a few uppers, and one, snorted Pixie Stick. Your nights will be spent watching re-runs of Fixer Upper and aggressively whispering, "Why Can't Joanna come re-paint my cabinets? We're living like peasants."

You're so delusional from sleep loss, you head out to the garage and start rummaging around for primer at 3am.

(Shhh... Don't worry, the baby will, eventually, find a schedule. For the sake of this post, we'll pretend the toddler years don't exist.

Q: How much do newborns eat?

A: Can't. I have to go make a bottle. 

Q: Will my baby be happy when I put her down?

A: Depends. I've had babies who've been content to swing in a swing for hours. In fact, they were so detached from me, they're currently living in their own rent controlled apartment and send me a card once a year. I hear Kindergarten's going well.

On the other hand, some babies refuse to be set down, as has been the case with my last two children. Babies like this tend to view the situation thusly...

"Oh, you're putting me down to go to the bathroom? You shouldn't even call yourself a mother."

Q: Seriously, how much do they eat?

A: Be right back after I make another bottle.

Q: How will I be able to tell if my baby likes to be swaddled?

A: She won't cry.

Q: How can I tell if my baby doesn't like to be swaddled?

A: She will scream. This is made more bearable by the fact your baby now looks like an angry burrito.

Q: After my doctor gives me the ok, will I be able to workout? This baby weight is making it hard to fit into my snow boots.

A: This also depends on the detachment issue. For babies who love to kick around on a blanket, congrats! You're about to look like Jillian Frickin' Michaels. For all you ladies who have a baby like our newest, you may want to

a) learn how power walk your offspring to sleep and/or use them for bicep curls
b) Like the majestic Brown Bear, use your fat to hibernate until spring

Q: This all sounds terrible. Is it worth it?

A: Surprisingly, yes. It's totally worth it. Because, in the free moments between making meals and shushing to sleep, the spare moments are spent showing your new baby off. This is because newborns are so damn cute. They also smell good and look like you. So, while you look like a sleep deprived Navy Seal ninety-nine-percent of the time, you'll also spend a lot of your time in public like this...

Ok, I have to go make a bottle.

Until Next Time, Readers!

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