Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Grass Is Always Greener When You Pay Someone Else To Do It

"The neighborhood's concerned. First it was the plaid skirt, now it's dandelions. We're not sure where the line is anymore.

Afternoon Readers,

If you're just tuning in, I'm still fat and could really use a coconut cream pie right now. You know what they say, "New house, new baby, buy me pie." A blessed and ancient saying, handed down by many generations.

As it stands, I'm currently eating a bag of steamed vegetables I found in the freezer and waiting for my entire bag of french fries to be done cooking. Ahh, vegetables. You masquerade as food, but you fill me up about as well as the gentle wind which caresses my deck chairs. No matter, the oven timer is giving me just enough time to write and also to read the mail I just waddled out to get.

Flyer for diet pills
Coupons for two-for-one chimichangas *hides under my chin fat for later*
A letter stating I should act now before my lawn decays

Hmm, one thing I'll say is that, unlike our former neighborhood, lawn care in this neck of the woods is serious business. This letter is actually one in a set of five I've received in the last two weeks. The universe at large is extremely concerned with whether we prefer an emerald green we can sleep on top of, or one which I could comfortably give birth on. Little do these people know, I prefer to be wrapped in a gown three thousand people have used and be fully unconscious.

Suburbia has an ebb and flow, a gentle current running under all box hedges which speaks of how things are done. We get our pets toenails done here. Loyd gently trims and grooms all our trees. You could use that trash service, but we've had Rick's Refuse Removal for thirty years, and he brings his family and real baby sheep to carol on your doorstep, come December.

Kellerman lawn care is as follows: Mow lawn

I think this is fairly reasonable. No one wants a neighbor who gives his house the old Boo Radley treatment and dandelion curtains. 

Scenario 1.

*knock knock*

"Who's there?"
"The people who treat everyone elses's lawn in the neighborhood."
"The people who treat everyone else's lawn, who?"
"That'll be a hundred dollars a month."
"Get the hell off my AstroTurf."

Just kidding. That's only what you say if you're not prepared.

Scenario 2.

"Hi, mam. Whoa, you have a lot of little ones. One, two-"

"Don't bother looking for the third one. He's probably going through your wallet or something. Kidding! How can I help you?"

"Ha. Right, ok. Well, we take care of all the lawns on your street, and we were wondering if you'd like a flyer with some prices in it."

"I'd love a flyer. Does it come with a coupon in it for free service for as long as we live here?"

"Um, no."

"I'm sorry, Justin. You're super nice, but we don't have that in the budget this year."

"Do you guys have a plan for lawn care this season?"

"I'm so glad you asked. Besides mowing on Saturday, we stare lovingly at the freshly cut grass on Sunday. Mondays are dedicated to feeling frustrated that it's starting to grow back, and Tuesdays are for ignoring the clover, which, as you can see, is growing in the shape of Wayne Newton's head. Wednesdays, I send the children into the yard to "dandelion hunt," which is highly effective until they take all the weeds they've picked and sow them diligently into all the spots that had remained inexplicably weedless. Thursday, we run errands and don't look at the grass, and Friday is the day I put twenty dollars into our "Mulch the entire yard" zero-interest savings account."

"So I can leave this flyer with you?"

"Absolutely."

Right now, as I look out the front window of the Oak Palace, I'm pleased to see a green, if not perfect, lawn. It's lovingly cut by Husband and I'm super grateful because I'm far to fat to start a lawnmower at this season of my life. I may not be able to birth a baby on our grass, but today's "Dandelion Hunting Wednesday," and that's ok too.



Until Next Time, Readers!

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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

All the Stuff You Can Do In Eleven Weeks

"And she was all, 'I have the eye of the tiger,' but then she just started crying."

Afternoon Readers,

People sometimes ask me how I balance writing books, blogs, and getting my ends trimmed once a year. It's a great question, and the answer usually falls into one of two categories.

A. Poorly
B. Very Poorly

Don't get me wrong. Occasionally, a week pops up where I'm all, "Look at me doing all the things before five. And now, pizza for everyone!" (Pizza isn't a celebratory food here. It's my go-to about seven days a week.) But most of the time, the situation around Kellerman house is carefully controlled anarchy with a side of laundry, delicately garnished with a smidgeon of toddler tears. That's the usual. However, life is life, and sometimes that chaos gets turned up a notch, and an internet vacation is in order.

I am woman. Hear me roar and then crawl back under my duvet.