Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Stuff You Can Do While Holding A Baby

Caution: Always put baby down before attempting to knit said baby an entire suit.

Morning Readers,

Oh Lawd, January has set in.
I repeat, winter has set in and we're trapped.
Send reinforcements.
Send cocoa.
Send Xanax mixed in cocoa.

How are you guys fairing? -Well, all of you who don't live where palm trees sway and you can hear the ocean from your beach-front bungalow. You Readers just keep on living the dream and don't tell the rest of us about it. Just do you quietly where we can't see it from our tundras.-The Kellermans are neatly frozen in The Oak Palace, waiting for spring, trying not to climb walls.

Scratch that. I just had to pull someone off a wall.

Right now, my job sits squarely at keeping everyone distracted and holding the baby. Because she loves to be held. The good news is she's cuddly like a bear cub, or least as cuddly as I imagine a bear cub would be. I don't know, I've never tried to hold a bear. But because of the constant baby holding, I'm left to do pretty much everything else with one hand. Currently, the top five things I'm having to do, single-handedly are as follows:

1. Taxes

Can you smell it? That's right, it's tax season. Last year, I had both hands to sort through documents and get things organized. This year, I'm trying to keep the two-month-old from flipping out of my hands while I interrogate Doc on whether or not I can write off, as a business expense, all the rolls of toilet paper he's tried to flush down in their entirety. "Surely raising the toddlers of America is a deduction. It has to be somewhere around maintaining a non-profit traveling circus," I insist.

More on that as it develops. The refund and the floods.

2. Grocery delivery

This one actually needs its own post, but holding a baby constantly has necessitated ordering groceries and having them delivered straight to the Oak Palace. This modern marvel is one I wish I'd discovered years ago, but my enthusiasm was unmatched when I ushered the delivery boy in yesterday and pointed the baby in the general direction of where the groceries were to be set down. "Would you like to hold my baby?" I asked. "I mean, not all of them, but this one is really agreeable and-"

But he was already gone.

3. Housework

My Everest.

Did you know you can load a dishwasher, with one hand, and only drop and break half your dishes? Thank goodness for thrift shop plates amiright? Dishes, laundry, general pick-up, I've got it covered. Just don't ask for symmetrically folded t-shirts or having two, matching socks show up in your dresser drawer. That sock dropped on the floor in front of the washing machine. It was either a.) squat down and get it while twelve pounds of baby made me feel the burn, or b.) you go to school in one Spider Man sock and one smiling, but very stretched-out Olaf and Sven.

4. Yelling at kids

This one is my current favorite because it, literally, requires no hands. Unfortunately, I can't really follow through on any threat I make. Have you ever tried to run after a five-year-old, while you hold a baby? By the time spring comes around, the birds will be chirping, flowers blooming, and I'll be the proud owner of four juvenile delinquents.

5. Netflix

This is probably right up there with the grocery delivery. It truly is the greatest invention of my time. Ok, that's probably the internet in general, but having eight billion episodes of everything right my fingertips? Priceless. Or seven bucks a month. Whatever. The Little Lady loves Netflix too. It's just that she also loves when you don't sit down ever.

What this breaks down to is cardio. Lots of cardio. Fun Fact: You can walk five miles in your living room while watching most documentaries. My current plan to lose the baby weight is to watch every ESPN 30 for 30 and march myself into flat abs. What's that, Bo Jackson? You played and dominated two different sports? That's nice. Have you ever held a baby for 1,440 hours straight?

That's what I thought. You probably did.

Oh well, the littlest Kellerman should be sitting up by the time the weather thaws and the ice cycles melt from my mustache. If I've learned anything over the six years, babies grow fast. Just think, you guys, it'll only be a few short months before I'll be posting about her climbing the stairs and getting into things she's not supposed be remotely associated with.

Which reminds me, I need to check if the grocery store delivers that Xanax ready mixed in the cocoa.

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