Thursday, October 27, 2016

How To Make A Festive Fall Wreath of Self-Loathing

It should come out looking something like this. Fun!

Morning Readers,

Sorry I haven't checked in for the last month or two, but I needed some time to feel sorry for myself. This was essential because, as we enter the season of being thankful, I try to make a point of carving out time to make sure I'm miserable.

Some people start putting out decorative gourds. I make festive wreaths of self-loathing and anxiety. Ever seen a mason jar filled with worries? Boom. Trademark that mother.

How did it start?

I can't pin point the exact date, but, for posterity's sake, let's say it was September 2nd. Traditionally, September 2nd isn't offensive, however, with a little tweaking, I can carefully mold any position on the calendar into twenty-four hours of irritation and inconvenience. I get into a funk sometimes. This happens to everyone, but, when given the opportunity to miserable, I like to really drive the point home.

What I don't do when I'm irritated and anxious:

Any type of self care
Work out
Smile at the mailman, unless he's delivering coupons for free burgers or custard
Leave my house
Type happy things on the internet

Election season got ya down? Impending cold weather a reminder you hate gloves? Can't handle the fact Thanksgiving is around the corner and the only thing you're thankful for is blankets you can crawl under to hide from the world?

I've got you covered. One spare afternoon, and you, too, can build your own decorative wreath. 

Supplies Needed: Hot glue gun

Let's go!

How To Make A Festive Fall Wreath of Self-Loathing

Step 1.

For a good, sturdy base, make sure you begin this project without any gratitude whatsoever. I like to start by weaving together zero optimism with the bleakest outlook on life I can muster.

Step 2.

As you braid your terrible attitude into a fun circle, try to add some anger on every third pass. If you're having trouble coming up with things to be angry about, here are some suggestions:
  • Everyone in the world has more stuff than you do
  • Everyone has a cleaner/nicer house than you
  • No one has problems as bad as yours
  • Everyone always has a good hair day and you perpetually look like Helen Hunt in the last scene of Twister. Except girlfriend's hair didn't look that bad at the end, and her abs were totally on point. Ugh. Be angry about that. Be angry at Bill Paxton too.
Step 3.

Having woven a great base, it's time to get out that hot glue gun and start adding a layer of resentment. I prefer leaves and vines made from ill-will I've gathered from the internet.
Fun tip: The internet is a fantastic place to grab discounted irritation and 50% off indignation.

Step 4.

Carefully overlap and hot glue the leaves and vines to give your wreath a look of robust sadness. Watch out. If you don't add enough resentment, the wreath starts to look sparse and lets gratitude show through the holes. Hideous. How are you going to Pin that?

Step 5.

Head back to the internet. It's time to gather accent pieces. (My fave part!) In some other wreath-making tutorials, I've seen crafters add flowers or decorative wheat. I prefer to add berries of jealousy and despair. Specifically, head over to Instagram and peruse how others live their lives. Some types of accent pieces that worked for me in the past are:
  • Realizing everyone's makeup always looks perfect and I never have the time to put any on
  • Admitting I'm the only person in the word who's not a size two
  • Coping with the fact that, with the exception of my own kids, every child in the world is impeccably styled 
  • Accepting the hard truth that everyone in the world is rich
  • Making peace with the sad reality every other person on the planet is on vacation in the Bahamas, except me
Step 6.

This is the critical step of choosing the focal point for your wreath. Remember, the right object can make or break all your hard work, so pick wisely. This season, I tried to focus on the fact I wasn't doing or achieving enough. Crafter's Monthly said this was more indicative of the 2015 craft season, but I say go with your gut. Things I used as my focal point included:
  • Reminding myself I'm thirty-two and haven't done anything groundbreaking, like discovering a cure for a disease or winning the Nobel Prize for literature
  • Worrying I don't parent nearly as well as other parents and becoming positive I'm ruining all my children in some way I'm not sure of yet (have narrowed this down to more affection/less affection/more time helping with homework/less time with homework to inspire independence/ yelling less/yelling more to prevent death on part of people who climb and fall off everything
  • Accepting that every other human has a beautifully decorated house, while I'm on my third month of painting kitchen cabinets, my linoleum is curling, and hand prints cover our walls from ceiling to floor
  • I have split ends
Step 7.

Now that your wreath is done, make sure not to hang it on the front door. Let it sit inside your house and gather  dust. Showing it to other people might lead them to comment on it and bring up their own wreaths. Downer, right?


BUT, now that I'm done making crafts, it's time to head into the holiday season and get some great posts up on this here blog. I've got fantastic giveaways coming up, and I'm all about giving you guys free stuff before Santa season.*

*Will not be giving away any wreaths

 Until Next Time, Readers!

And now that I've awkwardly made you my friend, come hang out with me on: